The Millennial's ultimate guide to having it all.
Musings, Tongue-In-Cheek

The Millennial’s ULTIMATE GUIDE to Having It All

Millennials are the best generation. There’s really no evidence that I would listen to that would convince me otherwise.

We’re living in a prosperous economy with a booming job market. We’re definitely not up to our eyeballs in student loan debt from earning degrees that have since proven useless to us.

We’re modest, virtuous, and altruistic.

We value commitment, but only to the things that get us lots of likes on Instagram. We often see work as an option rather than a necessity, and we’ve redefined the term anyway to make sure it includes posting stuff on Instagram for likes.

And contrary to what we’re constantly being told, we millennials CAN have it all.

Havingitallness is highly valued among my generation, so much so that I thought it was about time there existed an ULTIMATE GUIDE to achieving it.

My extensive lack of research in writing this post ensures it will be thorough, unbiased, thoroughly unbiased, and in no way helpful to non-millennials.

So, if you WEREN’T born after 1980, or between 1982 and 2004, or between 1982 and 2000, or between 1981 and 1997, then you definitely won’t understand this post and you might as well close out of it right now before I lay down some serious #goals.

Thankfully, for those of us who are fortunate enough to be a part of “the next great generation,” there are only three steps to achieving Havingitallness, and I’ve outlined those three steps below.

Step #1: Make a plan, but don’t stick to it.

What I always say, in my infinite millennial wisdom, is that the best kinds of plans are the ones that change. Because change denotes growth, and growth at the expense of all other things (responsibilities, mostly) is the real key to having it all.

You know who concrete plans are for? Boring people. Predictable people. People who value “stability” in their lives. People who value “decisiveness.”

But stability and decisiveness are overrated, my millennial friends.

I mean, remember your childhood when you bounced from one activity to the next, only sticking around until it became mildly challenging? That was the dream! Trying out many, many different things without becoming proficient in a single one.

Because our parents told us we could be anything we wanted, so we decided to be everything.

When I was a kid, I tried dance lessons, gymnastics, basketball, softball, skiing, snowboarding, track, volleyball, and probably others that I’m forgetting. Did I excel at any of them? No! But I LOVE watching the Olympics now.

Adulthood is no different. Plans are for schmucks, savings accounts are for nerds, and retirement? We’re living our best lives now, bro! There’s no guarantee that we’ll make it to 70 anyway, so all we can do is guarantee that we’ll be broke if we do.

Forget about ten-year plans and creating a career you can stick with for the long-term. Try out as many things as possible, because your current passion might not be your forever passion, and you never know where your next passion might lead.

Probably to a sweet Instagram sponsorship, if I had to guess.

At the end of the day, we millennials value change. Evolution. Progress. Newness. Things we haven’t done before. Places we haven’t been. And really anything else that allows us to avoid facing our problems head-on.

So go take that ’round-the-world trip you’ve always dreamed of. Go to fancy brunches and drink Dom Perignon on the weekends. Go for broke!

Our youth won’t always be there, but our parents’ basements will.

Step #2: Never ask questions.

Asking questions is the anti-millennial way. It screams “I’m incompetent!” louder than your actual incompetence.

Asking questions reveals how little you actually know, and the goal, my millennial friend, is to always act like you’re the smartest person in the room even when–ESPECIALLY when–you’re not.

Letting others know when you don’t know something is like revealing your Achilles heel to the enemy. They will know exactly how to upstage or outsmart you. So what should you do instead? Fake it ’til you make it.

Fake it ’til you make it all day, errr’day.

One important step in your journey to Havingitallness is to let others know, at all times, that they are inferior to you. You don’t need their help–not now, not NEVER.

This may mean you have to work a lot harder and make a LOT more mistakes to achieve the same results as people who ask questions, but as long as you’re posting at least one photo per week of a cocktail on a beach, no one will ever have to know.

Questions are for the weak. Having it all means knowing it all.

Never forget that.

Step #3: Never settle.

As we know from Instagram, our lives will never be perfect.

Someone else out there will always have a better, prettier feed than you, take more trips to more exotic places than you, look better in a bikini than you, and have more pictures of fancy watches than you.

And we ALL know that a pretty feed with lots of beaches and watches = a perfect life.

So the sooner you accept the fact that you’ll never be as good as the last 5 accounts you just scrolled through when you could have been working on yourself, the better off you’ll be in the long run.

Because the moment you start to feel fulfilled by the life you already have is the moment you stop trying to have it all, and you can’t be a quitter and have it all at the same time.

Havingitallness means that you are always trying to not just improve, but to improve at a faster pace than those around you. In order to do this, you must constantly compare yourself to others.

Use social media followers as your benchmark for success. The more followers you have, the more likable you are, and the closer you are to having it all.

Approval from strangers means everything.

And don’t look to the older generations for guidance here–they just don’t get what we millennials are all about. They’re always offering up “advice” when really, they’re just trying to stop us from living our best lives.

They tell us to “Grow up!” or to “Get real jobs!” or to “Stop eating avocado toast!

They call us narcissists, say we spend too much time taking selfies (the perfect selfie takes finesse, am I right or am I right?), and call us obnoxious for taking pictures of our food.

Quite frankly, I’m sick of it. But I’ve also learned that #hatersgonnahate, so there’s no point in cutting back on my selfies or my food pictures now.

We’re in too deep, and the world needs to see what I eat for lunch every day (how else are they going to know my lunch is better than theirs?).

If you caught the irony here, and I’m sure you did because all millennials are geniuses, then you know that what I’m really saying is the only way to actually have it all is to never stop trying, and if you ever do reach a point where you believe you have it all, then you have already failed.

Never accept that where you are now is as good as it gets.

Your food photography can improve. Your selfies can improve. You can get more likes.

Never stop doing you, millennials.

Never settle.

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2 Comments

  • Reply Michelle Philippon October 11, 2017 at 7:23 pm

    This is absolutely hilarious. Onion-esque for sure.

  • Reply Katie Featherstone October 12, 2017 at 5:06 am

    I clicked on this link almost holding my breath to see if you were being serious or not. Thanks. In the end it was funny and a little depressing!
    Katie Featherstone recently posted…Photographer Jason Wallien – living and working in Beijing.My Profile

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