No blogger likes to let their site sit dormant for a month’s time. Especially one who’s trying to make a living from their craft.
It feels unproductive. It feels lazy. It feels altogether wrong.
So trust me when I say, I never intended to let the entire month of April slip by without a single new blog post being published. And in the beginning, I really tried to prevent that.
I sat down at this computer many, many times, only to be confronted by my old familiar friend, Writer’s Block.
I didn’t expect to see you around these parts, you old bastard.
For weeks, I fought a fierce battle.
Opening my trusty laptop with a fiery resolve, I’d stare him down for what, at times, felt like an eternity.
But the words never came. My resolve was chipped away little by little. I grew increasingly frustrated by my lack of progress, and eventually decided it was better to just…ride it out. Throw in the towel, so to speak. Wait for inspiration to strike.
Hoping with fingers crossed that the words would return in their own time, as they always had in the past–while doing my best to put my attention elsewhere for the time being.
Reading. Yoga. Reading about yoga. Photography. Instagram. Travel. (Not in that order).
Updating my site to a storefront that could accept credit card and PayPal purchases (did you know I now sell Lightroom presets?).
Building new partnerships with some of my favorite brands. Responding to allllll the emails.
So trust me when I say that in spite of not writing for a month, I was still working my ass off.
But…
I was also doing a lot of daydreaming about how things could be different. How my life could be different if I didn’t give all of my mental energy to this blog.
Whether I wanted this blog to be my future after all.
Because as much as it pains me to admit this, my month of no blogging felt really fucking good in a lot of ways.
I began to give less importance to the number of page views I got, or whether I posted every day on social media. I lived my real life, away from a computer screen, where people can’t hide behind their internet personas (myself included).
I began to remember what it felt like to have real, face to face conversations. To look deeply into a person’s eyes as they share parts of themselves with you, and to feel a connection forming almost instantaneously.
I stayed behind my camera more often than I was in front of it. Would it surprise you to learn that I still feel silly posing for my own photos? I do.
I dreamt of a career that allowed me the financial abundance I’m still so desperately craving. Not that my life isn’t abundant in a million other ways, but let’s face it–making it as a full-time blogger is still a challenge for me, and I’m beginning to realize it’s because my heart’s not fully in it.
Something about the way I’m doing this blogging thing isn’t fulfilling me in some of the most important ways.
I love writing and I always will, and I love photography more every day. I even came to love things I never expected to, like graphic design.
You might think those things are enough to build a successful blogging career, but if you need proof that it’s not, well, here I am.
And how about all the things that blogging doesn’t give me?
Things like regular interaction with real human beings. The chance to unplug without hurting my productivity or earning potential. Opportunities to get up and be active (without it turning into a photo shoot for the ‘gram).
What my month of no blogging did allow for, as you can see, is a whole lot of self-reflection. Which, in hindsight, proves to me pretty plainly that it wasn’t just Writer’s Block standing in my way.
It was me.
So in case you haven’t yet read between the lines, I’ll just come right out and say it:
I don’t want to be a full-time blogger anymore.
I now know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this lifestyle isn’t for me.
The constant need to be glued to a screen.
The Keeping-Up-With-The-Joneses mentality on social media.
The lack of interpersonal relationships.
The pressure to write and photograph in ways that don’t feel authentic to me.
None of that represents the person I truly want to become, and I see now that I need to slowly, carefully, let those things fade into the background if I want to move forward on my path.
None of this is to say that I’m giving up blogging altogether. It just can’t be my number one priority if I want to live my best life, a life in which I feel emotionally and spiritually fulfilled.
And I am by NO MEANS condemning blogging as a career. It’s a perfect fit for a lot of people and I’ve had the pleasure of watching some of my closest friends find astonishing success with it.
Diff’rent strokes for diff’rent folks.
But unfortunately, there’s a question that remains to be answered, and it’s a pretty important one.
What the fuck am I going to do with my life now?
If I’m going to let blogging become just a part-time gig, I need to figure out what’s going to fill the rest of my time–what’s going to give me the things I’m currently lacking, picking up where blogging leaves off.
It may take a fair bit of trial and error, but at least I’m feeling confident enough to begin my search.
A number of ideas are already bouncing around in my head, but so far I’ve not felt a strong pull in any one direction.
I’ve long considered enrolling in a yoga teacher training, so that’s one idea that sits at the forefront of my thoughts every day. I’ve also long considered pursuing photography professionally, and that seems to be the one dream that just won’t die.
Of course, determining what the practical first step is toward either of those goals is another matter entirely. And I don’t intend to let my blog suffer further while I figure it all out.
I’m hoping that with a little more quiet reflection, I’ll finally be able to hear the truth that’s in my heart.
For now, the best thing I can think to do is remind myself daily that my journey is unfolding exactly how it is meant to. That my experiences with this blog–the good, the bad, and the ugly–all serve a purpose and are leading me exactly where I need to be.
For now, I’m still a full-time blogger, reluctant though I may be…
And I have a lot more stories to tell.
It’s hard for me to paint you a picture of what the next few months will look like for this blog or for me on a personal level.
But I do want to tell you what I do know, so you have some idea of what to expect. You deserve that much!
In terms of upcoming blog content, you can expect more Maui travel posts from our recent trip with my mom. From whale watching to SUPing to all the amazing restaurants we tried, I still have a whole lot to share.
You can also expect to hear more about the partnerships I’ve been working on, including some you’ve already been introduced to (like PicMonkey) and others that will be revealed soon enough.
I also plan to experiment with writing in different ways.
For example, I love the idea of writing shorter blog posts that I can share more regularly, rather than always feeling pressured to write lengthy posts optimized for search engines.
Basically, I want to do more writing that comes from the heart instead of writing the stuff I feel like I “should” write.
Off the blog, you can expect me to continue to share small bits of my life and travels on Instagram, because in spite of my love/hate relationship with that platform, it does bring about some really fun opportunities and even more importantly, it encourages me to keep improving my photography day after day.
Lastly, I’ll do my best to keep you up to speed on where my career goes from here, whether it’s going back to freelancing, finding a part-time job that gets me out of the house and working with people, or pursuing photography more seriously.
No matter what happens it’ll be an adventure, and I can’t wait to see how it unfolds.
Thanks, as always, for sticking with me through it all.
